Issue date: 10/26/05 Section: features

Versus Magazine Online [Image based format]

People eager to impress seem determined to enlighten their listeners with as many fascinating tidbits about themselves as possible. They do not quite listen to what anyone else says, but only monopolize the conversation and pretend to be oblivious to their own long-windedness. They want to impress others, and then pretend to not realize they did.

Acting uninterested usually throws such people off, as it breaks rules of conversation that require at least feigned involvement. "I just won a scholarship to Harvard medical, though my dismal 3.99 GPA probably did not help. They must have instead noticed my volunteer work at the orphanage for terminally-ill minorities." "Oh, okay." My conversation partner would then acutely feel that I am not a proper receiver of established social signals. The disparity between what the boaster expects to hear and my actual response may make me seem socially maladroit, the kind of person who doesn't quite "get what's going on."

All the better, as first encounters are too easy. There is usually energy from an external event (like a party or dinner), and people are prepared to be extremely friendly for 30-second bursts before they re-cluster with their familiars. My goal is to get people to lose all interest in getting to know me, and destroy any social momentum based on looks, status, or novelty. Only when another has had enough will I change this stance. "Jonathan, you are an annoying wall. I am frustrated from having tried so many things and getting nowhere. I give up." If I think they have reached that point, I will gradually re-build a social connection, since the clutter of artificial inducements to familiarity has been cleared away. I will ask with sincerity how he or she is, and for opinions on various things. I will show them that I do care, and pursue a real friendship.

Continued...

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