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Issue date: 3/14/05 Section: features

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I have a hard time swallowing Hollywood action movies. They never know what kind of film they want to be. Any non-believers out there can look at any handful of recent American blockbusters and see my point. Even Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines features Arnold chwarzenegger mugging a West Hollywood male stripper for his leather duds. And the moment I see Big Arnie don a pair of star-shaped, hot pink shades, I retch a little in my mouth.

When I watch a genre fi lm, more than anything else, I want some-
thing that is a pure manifestation of the genre it claims to embody. It
must be the veritable incarnation of pigeonholed categorization. If it's a
comedy, I want my sides to bust, with no serious moments blocking the
intake of funny. If it's a horror fi lm, I want to cower while some hideous
creature from a nightmare dimension devours a yuppie, photogenic
teenage cast one by one. And if it's a drama, I want my date to bury her
head into my shoulder and lean onto me for emotional support while
I slowly drape my arm around-oh sorry. That last one really doesn't
have much to do with genre, does it? In any case, this is why I rely on
Chinese kung-fu fi lms whenever I need to get a quick action fix.

I understand if folks have qualms with my preference. Some people might even ask, "Why only Chinese kung-fu, Zach? Why not something American, but with Asian fl avor, like Kill Bill? Why not spend your
easily-earned money on something domestic that will not only bolster
your spirits, but also the American economy and the nationalist zeitgeist as we know it, you capitalist pig?" To those people, I say, "Screw you, proletarian primates! When I want to see an action film, I don't want to see anything but action! I don't want Mel Gibson pining over his numerous dead wives. I don't want Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man stunts
getting mixed in with a Macy Gray music video! I want the best the world has to offer!" And the reason that China's martial arts cinema is the best the world has to offer is because it has the punch-'em-up category down to a comprehensive science.

For further proof, just analyze the Kill Bill fi lms. Kill Bill director Quentin Tarantino is a connoisseur of all kinds of action fi lms and an obsessive-compulsive fi lm-nerd, but that doesn't change the fact that

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