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Issue date: 3/14/05 Section: features

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If I see an attractive girl, I'll start studying her. I'll stare at her, or look away and back, pretending to see her by chance as I inspect my surroundings. I'll relocate as needed, assuming a spot where I can see her more clearly. I'll walk by her in case she should notice me. If she stares back, I'll inwardly thrill, but I won't make my interest obvious. We might play eye-tag, but I'm still doing reconnaissance.

I'll first notice how she looks in a general sense. If she's pretty at a distance, her features match a vague, quick impression of beauty in my mind's eye. Make-up helps because it brings to mind a beautiful face more quickly. But then I want to get closer, both to enjoy and to determine if beauty is really there. I half-fear her face won't hold up, since I've experienced similar disappointments before. But if it does, a thrill goes through my body. It feels like the world is no longer a place where only mildly good things happen. The metaphysics of the universe have changed. They have allowed something to slip through and - wow.

Personality can make a face more attractive. If somebody is a good joker, really cares for others, or isn't one of those annoyingly helpless girls who makes no positive contribution to society besides sitting prettily, I consider that a plus. Her face somehow takes that into account. It starts to convey the whole person. It extends how she looks into four dimensions instead of three. I can imagine how she'll act or look when she does or experiences certain things. The totality of her existence is conveyed in her eyes, smile, and body language, and if I'm attracted to that, I know something special is going on.

Not that I'll tell her. Ever. I know the universe will reassert its harsh reality. Emotions will die. Crushes will fade. Every feeling of genuine love, interest, or kindness in me will eat bitterness and vomit. After the initial excitement, I'll look around and think "Wait, I'm attracted to you?" Forget that! It's better not to start.

Or so I tell myself. My crush will come back eventually. It happens with every girl I secretly admire. At fi rst, I will 'accidentally' walk past her dorm, not knowing if she's there, but excited at the possibility of a connection, however tenuous. Inevitably, however, my feelings will hit low tide and every infatuated thought will suff er skepticism. When I see her again, I'll think "Man, why did I ever get nervous around such an annoying person?" But I know my feelings are only drunk on temporary emotional changes. There'll come a point when I again steal looks at her, and will tense up when I walk past her, as aware of her every movement as if I had radar.

Continued...

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